The Last Chapters of How To Talk So Kids Can Learn

How To Talk So Kids Can Learn was, in my opinion, an excellent book. Sure, many of the suggestions were very simple, ridiculously simple even, and yes, the cartoons took that simplification to a suffocatingly cute level, but the content was still good and I think I learned a lot.

For example, in Chapter 5, just thinking about how neither praise nor criticism functions as a motivator as well as simple description of a student's behavior made me realize that I could use the tactic on myself. So frequently, I find myself telling myself how poorly I'm doing, what I'm doing wrong. A common reaction to this self-deprecation is an internal voice reassuring me that, actually, I'm awesome. But I can never quite accept the compliments I mentally manifest for myself. If I'm awesome, why am I do I always feel like I'm behind?

Just before writing this blog post, I was feeling tired and demotivated. Instead of slapping myself to wake up and feverishly meditating on a mantra like "You're capable, you're motivated, good job let's keep going," I calmly reviewed what I had accomplished. Almost immediately I found myself feeling better, I had already done so much!

The last three chapters, 6,7 and 8, had some good information too. Chapter 6 went over how to free children from roles they get stuck in. I can use this with my friends who have accepted behavior as part of their identities that they would be better off without. It's interested how much we are affected by others' perceptions of us.

Chapter 7 went over how important the Parent/Teacher relationship is. Basically, teachers and parents have very similar needs to a typical human when interacting with others: Appreciation and acknowledgement of their efforts, respect and the willingness of the other party to work with them.

Chapter 8 was the shortest and most profound. If we can employ tactics in our interactions with others (our students especially) that indicate good listening, inspire confidence, reaffirm accomplishments, reinforce constructive roles and radiate respect we can improve our lives and the lives of those we wish to help. It sounds simple, and that's because it is.

I learned a lot from this book, I even liked the cartoons.

Videos for October 15th

The video clips we watched for the October 15^th class got me thinking about a few things. The clips from The Wire made me cringe sometimes. The police officer turned school teacher was drowning in that classroom, he was way over his head and everyone, especially the students, was aware of that. It reminded me of my days in high school, it brought to mind how kids would behave when a substitute teacher ran a class. They’d push the envelope as far as they could, misbehaving and sucking up and sneaking out until the sub was to the point of tears. Kids can be cruel!

The poor, bumbling guy just couldn’t seem to conjure up any authority. He was anxious and easily frustrated. The children smelled his fear, I’m sure of it. Even when he did manage to develop relationships with the students, he still had to consider what that might lead to. A student who sees their teacher as a friend is a student that is going to ask for favors and try to get away with things using that friendship as a bargaining chip. Children are devious masterminds that do not hesitate to utilize emotional warfare if it will get them five minutes in the hallway for a bathroom break.

More than anything, those clips from The Wire scared me. Even though I knew what the teacher was doing wrong, I couldn’t think of what he could do right.

The last video, from the Teaching Channel, gave me some hope. I saw in that video a perfect classroom. The children were not only involved, they were attentive, thinking critically and thoroughly analyzing a complex text. Wouldn’t it be amazing if all classrooms were like that? 10-12 students, inward facing seating arrangement, discussion-based curriculum, ahhh sounds good right? The message this video was sending was that the students need to be respected, they need to have someone that believes they are capable of contributing and then, and only then, can they be expected to accept their responsibilities as a successful student. This “inquiry-based teaching” sounds like a pretty good method, but is it feasible in the typical high school or middle school environment?

I say no. With classes of 30+ students being herded into sterile rooms for 1 hour shifts for 8 hours a days in most schools today we just don’t have a system in place that accommodates for the kind of classes we saw in the Teaching Channel video. There’s not enough manpower (teacherpower, I suppose) to give that many kids that attention (or faith) that they need.

The best we can do at this point is try and learn ways to reach as many students as possible, to inspire personal faith in as many young people as we can. Even if only five out of those thirty bored, brain-dead, mischievous kids discovers their inner potential, that’s still five more than before.

A Listening Experiment

            A friend of mine, let’s call her Jane, comes to me quite often to discuss her constantly transmogrifying romantic situation. Our conversations typically consist of her sharing details about her numerous escapades while I do my best to appear as though I am listening. These “conversations” can last anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes, depending on what other pressing matters (namely, homework) are there to distract our attention.

I cannot recall a time when I have helped her reach any sort of conclusion or solution to her situation. When I have offered feedback, I immediately notice her eyes glaze over and I imagine her mind’s eye drifting lazily inward. This was frustrating for me. Eventually, I just stopped responding. Interestingly enough, this did not deter her from choosing me as her audience for these dramatic monologues, if anything the circumstances increased in frequency.

Recently, after reading How To Talk So Kids Can Learn for my Teaching English course and numerous readings about problem solving in my Social Inequalities class, I decided to experiment with some new methods of listening and problem solving that I’ve been learning about. One of the most useful tools I have come across is the Responding to Feelings Scale and The Responding to Values Scale. They are given as follows:

RESPONDING TO FEELINGS SCALE

Level One: (unhelpful, doesn’t build trust)

A. Listener responds to facts, information, situation, storyline

B. Listener doesn't respond to speaker's feelings.

C. Listener denies speaker's feelings, puts down, judges, gives advice, ridicules, comes up with quick solutions.

Level Two: (somewhat helpful)

A. Listener responds to stated feelings by mirroring in same or similar words and expressions.

B. Listener is accepting of speaker's feelings.
C. Listener's non-verbal behavior is attentive to speaker.

Level Three: (very helpful)

A. Listener responds to stated feelings and labels undercurrents implicit in speaker's statements but not actually stated by her.

B. Listener emphasizes intensity of speaker's feelings by use of tone

C. Listener responds to non-verbal cues from speaker.

RESPONDING TO VALUES SCALE

Level One: (not at all helpful)

A. Listener ignores values.

B. Listener judges, agrees with, condones, or moralizes about speaker's values.

C. Listener responds to speaker's values using less specific terms than the speaker uses.

Level Two: (somewhat helpful)

A.   Listener responds to stated values of speaker mirroring in same or similar words.

B.    Listener is non-judgmental of speaker's values.

C.    Listener responds to speaker's values but not to the feelings associated with them.

Level Three: (very helpful)

A. Listener responds to stated values of speaker and checks out other values that may be present but are not clearly stated by speaker.

B. Listener specifically responds to stated values of speaker.

C. Listener not only responds to values but also to the feelings tied to them.

As I came to be familiar with these scales, I realized that many of the tactics I had previously used, intending to be helpful, were categorized as Level 1 responses. Not wanting to be a poor listener and an unhelpful friend, I decided to make an effort to consistently utilize methods that would fit into Level 3.

Jane and I did homework together several nights ago. Before we got started, she appeased the urge to share an account of some recent experiences and I seized the opportunity to try my hand at actually being helpful. Below is a summary of our conversation.

Jane:            So, X hit me up last night and wanted to hang out. But I had already told Y that I would go see him. Besides, I don’t think I like X anymore, he’s too needy. I like Y, but he’s a little old for me. And I’m still in love with Z, but I just don’t think that will ever work again. Maybe I should just be a loner for a while. I’m just kind of confused.

Me:            (I reviewed the scales quickly in my head, rejecting the responses that I conjured up first, like: “Maybe you should stick to one person,” [advice, quick solution] and “You should really settle down.” [judgement, advice]. I used what I thought would be appropriate, though I admit I doubted its effectiveness. I also made sure to keep eye contact.) You seem conflicted, it seems like you just want to find a way to be content. (Feelings: Level 3A)

Jane:            Yeah, I just want to be happy! (laughs). I know most people would think I’m being too promiscuous, but, I mean, I‘m single and I’m young. I don’t see a problem. Plenty of guys pursue multiple girls, I think women should have that equal right without being discriminated against!

Me:            (I thought I could deduce something about her values at this point) You just want to live your life without being judged? (I thought I was using Values Level 3A, but I actually might have been using Level 1A, I’m still not sure)

Jane:             I don’t know. What do you think I should do? I’ve told you all about these guys, do you have any advice?

Me:            (This surprised me, I wasn’t expecting this as it had never happened before. What had I done?) Uhh…

Jane:            (laughs) Sorry to bother you with my problems, I’ll figure it out. Let’s get started on these readings…

At the end there, I could have probably said something like “I’m sure you already have a solution, I think you already know what you need to do.” A response like that would simoutaneously reaffirm my faith in her and allow her to solve the issue herself to restore her own personal faith. However, I’m not sure what level that would be. To be honest, I’m still a little confused with all of these new methods and scales and whatnot. I have realized that many times all someone needs is another person to listen. That’s why, when I feigned listening and did nothing, Jane benefitted from that. Sometimes we humans just have to unload some emotional baggage and maybe have someone remind us that we’re not crazy for holding on to it. Advice is overrated, actually listening is what’s really needed.

Solving Problems As a Group

There have been so many times in my life when I get frusturated at the behavior of others. I find it particularly frusturated when I’m trying to cooperatively reach a goal with someone else or with a group and they just won’t function cohesively. It is absolutely maddening! Unfortunately, I allow this frustration to get the better of me much too often and many times I lose all motivation to continue pursuing my initial goal. After reading Chapter 4 of How To Talk So Kids Can Learn, I was struck by an embarrassing realization: I treat the incompetent behavior of others as my problem to solve by myself. But the truth is, it’s not just my problem and it’s basically impossible for me to solve it alone. If I hope to reach a resolution, I need to seek and validate guidance from the other people involved.

            My first step in conflict resolution has typically been me expressing my feelings of disappointment towards others involved. Now, it’s clear to me that the first step ought to be understanding their internal circumstances. The book lists “Listen to students feelings and needs” as the first step in solving problems with students as a group. Then “summarize their point of view,” meaning represent them back to the group. This tactic makes it easy for everyone involved to see that the problem is a shared issue, a common challenge.

            The next step is then to express your own feelings, which they will hopefully be more open to hearing at this point having already expressed their own concerns. Then brainstorm as a group all possible solutions. At this point, it’s important not to criticize or dismiss any ideas. All views should be respected. All ideas should be written down. Finally, the group discusses the list and decides together how to solve the common problem.

            It is painfully obvious to me now that if you want to solve a problem you are experiencing with a group; solve the problem as a group. Making the problem your own makes it a personal problem and its likely to change the group’s perception of the issue into just that, your personal problem. They’re going to think it’s just you that is manifesting the issue and you’ll have to solve it on your own, just like you thought you wanted! No thanks, I’ll stick with this new technique.

            The scenarios included in the book consisted of typical classrooms, but this process could function in many other situations. For example, thousands of refugee children come into U.S. classrooms every year, and for obvious reasons many of them have problems adjusting to a new educational setting where they may or may not know the language being used. There have been many cases where, as an aftereffect of their traumatic experiences in the past, refugee children have been unable to keep up with the curriculum they are expected to learn. Solving this conflict has often proved difficult, and the problem is only exacerbated by teachers that get frustrated by the child’s poor progress. What’s needed is someone who listens and works with the child towards creating a solution.Such an obvious solution, yet many of us take so long to try it. I wonder why that could be?

           

"Shut up and acknowledge my problem!"

The first two chapters of How To Talk So Kids Can Learn, offer a very important lesson that can be put to use not only with children in classrooms, but in daily life. In the book, we are provided with a strikingly simple method of emotional conflict mediation presented in hypothetical discussions of teaching methods and personal accounts from both teachers and parents. All we have to do is listen and recognize the emotions that children (or anyone else for that matter) share with us when they are having trouble with a certain challenge (whether that's reading a boring book or just being happy and content with life). 

Acknowledging another person's emotions is one of the easiest things to do when they come to us needing to express something. All we have to do is sit there and listen as the person unloads some stress (a natural therapeutic process driven by our very hormones, see this TED talk: http://www.ted.com/talks/kelly_mcgonigal_how_to_make_stress_your_friend.html). That's it, nothing else is required or usually desired of us at these times. Yet, instead of simply listening to them, we often decide to project our own ideas into the situation. We offer advice, even though they might not have asked for it. We tell them why what they're feeling is wrong and how they need to change how they feel. We tell them about our own experiences that may or may not have to do with what's going on with them. All of this is unnecessary. Why does it not occur to us that all we need to do in most situations is just listen?

When I'm in a tough situation emotionally, I typically feel an impulse to express my feelings to someone. This impulse may manifest in many different situations. I may chat with a friend I run into on the way to class and mention that I am feeling stressed from school or I might divulge to my girlfriend that I am feeling down about my personal image. In either of these circumstances, all I need is acknowledgment of my emotions as valid responses to my situation. Unfortunately, I typically get advice or a lecture, or worse, a disapproving look that insinuates contempt. As a result, I'm left with the sentiment that by sharing my feelings I've created another problem and all of a sudden I've got another monkey on my back to join the others. 

I would personally benefit from having more people in my life who were conscious and conscientious enough to just listen to me when I need it. So, I've decided to make it a point to listen to, rather than interfere with, whatever emotional outreach comes to me from other people. It's working out very well.

A friend of mine is recently single after a year-long relationship and is still coping with the lifestyle adjustment that comes along with any break-up. She comes to me quite frequently to tell me about what's going on in her life, telling me about new romances and the frequent pangs of love lost. Before I read the first chapters of How To Talk So Kids Can Learn, I thought it fitting for me to offer my advice to her. I would think about her problem and provide the wisest, most potent advice that my mind could conjure up. But every time, and I noticed this with increasing annoyance, as soon as I began saying something like, "Well, maybe you should try..." I'd see her eyes glaze over, indicating that her consciousness had returned its focus to her own internal resolution tactics. Eventually, I just stopped listening, despite thinking that I was being rude by doing so. Surprisingly, after I completely spaced out on one of her rants one day, she thanked me for listening and said it really helped. I was perplexed by how me doing nothing was interpreted as more supportive than Sage advice, but now it makes sense.

I've started listening to her and all my other friends again, but that's generally as far as my assistance goes. I don't inject advice into the situation unless it is specifically asked for and my responses consist of simple phrases like "I can see why you feel that way," and "Your emotions are totally valid." I've been thanked again and again, just for listening.

It seems that when dealing with another person's emotional challenges, whether they’re a frustrated child in a classroom or a disheartened friend, the right way to help is also the easiest. Just listen, nod and maybe throw in a hug at the end.