The
first two chapters of How To Talk So Kids Can Learn, offer a very important lesson
that can be put to use not only with children in classrooms, but in daily life.
In the book, we are provided with a strikingly simple method of emotional
conflict mediation presented in hypothetical discussions of teaching methods
and personal accounts from both teachers and parents. All we have to do is
listen and recognize the emotions that children (or anyone else for that
matter) share with us when they are having trouble with a certain challenge (whether
that's reading a boring book or just being happy and content with life).
Acknowledging
another person's emotions is one of the easiest things to do when they come to
us needing to express something. All we have to do is sit there and listen as
the person unloads some stress (a natural therapeutic process driven by our
very hormones, see this TED talk:
http://www.ted.com/talks/kelly_mcgonigal_how_to_make_stress_your_friend.html).
That's it, nothing else is required or usually desired of us at these times.
Yet, instead of simply listening to them, we often decide to project our own
ideas into the situation. We offer advice, even though they might not have
asked for it. We tell them why what they're feeling is wrong and how they need
to change how they feel. We tell them about our own experiences that may or may
not have to do with what's going on with them. All of this is unnecessary. Why
does it not occur to us that all we need to do in most situations is just
listen?
When
I'm in a tough situation emotionally, I typically feel an impulse to express my
feelings to someone. This impulse may manifest in many different situations. I
may chat with a friend I run into on the way to class and mention that I am
feeling stressed from school or I might divulge to my girlfriend that I am
feeling down about my personal image. In either of these circumstances, all I
need is acknowledgment of my emotions as valid responses to my situation.
Unfortunately, I typically get advice or a lecture, or worse, a disapproving
look that insinuates contempt. As a result, I'm left with the sentiment that by
sharing my feelings I've created another problem and all of a sudden I've got
another monkey on my back to join the others.
I would personally benefit
from having more people in my life who were conscious and conscientious enough
to just listen to me when I need it. So, I've decided to make it a point to
listen to, rather than interfere with, whatever emotional outreach comes to me
from other people. It's working out very well.
A
friend of mine is recently single after a year-long relationship and is still
coping with the lifestyle adjustment that comes along with any break-up. She
comes to me quite frequently to tell me about what's going on in her life,
telling me about new romances and the frequent pangs of love lost. Before I
read the first chapters of How To Talk So Kids Can Learn, I thought it fitting
for me to offer my advice to her. I would think about her problem and provide
the wisest, most potent advice that my mind could conjure up. But every time,
and I noticed this with increasing annoyance, as soon as I began saying
something like, "Well, maybe you should try..." I'd see her eyes
glaze over, indicating that her consciousness had returned its focus to her own
internal resolution tactics. Eventually, I just stopped listening, despite
thinking that I was being rude by doing so. Surprisingly, after I completely
spaced out on one of her rants one day, she thanked me for listening and said
it really helped. I was perplexed by how me doing nothing was interpreted as
more supportive than Sage advice, but now it makes sense.
I've
started listening to her and all my other friends again, but that's generally
as far as my assistance goes. I don't inject advice into the situation unless
it is specifically asked for and my responses consist of simple phrases like
"I can see why you feel that way," and "Your emotions are
totally valid." I've been thanked again and again, just for listening.
It
seems that when dealing with another person's emotional challenges,
whether they’re a frustrated child in a classroom or a disheartened friend, the
right way to help is also the easiest. Just listen, nod and maybe throw in a
hug at the end.
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