A Listening Experiment

            A friend of mine, let’s call her Jane, comes to me quite often to discuss her constantly transmogrifying romantic situation. Our conversations typically consist of her sharing details about her numerous escapades while I do my best to appear as though I am listening. These “conversations” can last anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes, depending on what other pressing matters (namely, homework) are there to distract our attention.

I cannot recall a time when I have helped her reach any sort of conclusion or solution to her situation. When I have offered feedback, I immediately notice her eyes glaze over and I imagine her mind’s eye drifting lazily inward. This was frustrating for me. Eventually, I just stopped responding. Interestingly enough, this did not deter her from choosing me as her audience for these dramatic monologues, if anything the circumstances increased in frequency.

Recently, after reading How To Talk So Kids Can Learn for my Teaching English course and numerous readings about problem solving in my Social Inequalities class, I decided to experiment with some new methods of listening and problem solving that I’ve been learning about. One of the most useful tools I have come across is the Responding to Feelings Scale and The Responding to Values Scale. They are given as follows:

RESPONDING TO FEELINGS SCALE

Level One: (unhelpful, doesn’t build trust)

A. Listener responds to facts, information, situation, storyline

B. Listener doesn't respond to speaker's feelings.

C. Listener denies speaker's feelings, puts down, judges, gives advice, ridicules, comes up with quick solutions.

Level Two: (somewhat helpful)

A. Listener responds to stated feelings by mirroring in same or similar words and expressions.

B. Listener is accepting of speaker's feelings.
C. Listener's non-verbal behavior is attentive to speaker.

Level Three: (very helpful)

A. Listener responds to stated feelings and labels undercurrents implicit in speaker's statements but not actually stated by her.

B. Listener emphasizes intensity of speaker's feelings by use of tone

C. Listener responds to non-verbal cues from speaker.

RESPONDING TO VALUES SCALE

Level One: (not at all helpful)

A. Listener ignores values.

B. Listener judges, agrees with, condones, or moralizes about speaker's values.

C. Listener responds to speaker's values using less specific terms than the speaker uses.

Level Two: (somewhat helpful)

A.   Listener responds to stated values of speaker mirroring in same or similar words.

B.    Listener is non-judgmental of speaker's values.

C.    Listener responds to speaker's values but not to the feelings associated with them.

Level Three: (very helpful)

A. Listener responds to stated values of speaker and checks out other values that may be present but are not clearly stated by speaker.

B. Listener specifically responds to stated values of speaker.

C. Listener not only responds to values but also to the feelings tied to them.

As I came to be familiar with these scales, I realized that many of the tactics I had previously used, intending to be helpful, were categorized as Level 1 responses. Not wanting to be a poor listener and an unhelpful friend, I decided to make an effort to consistently utilize methods that would fit into Level 3.

Jane and I did homework together several nights ago. Before we got started, she appeased the urge to share an account of some recent experiences and I seized the opportunity to try my hand at actually being helpful. Below is a summary of our conversation.

Jane:            So, X hit me up last night and wanted to hang out. But I had already told Y that I would go see him. Besides, I don’t think I like X anymore, he’s too needy. I like Y, but he’s a little old for me. And I’m still in love with Z, but I just don’t think that will ever work again. Maybe I should just be a loner for a while. I’m just kind of confused.

Me:            (I reviewed the scales quickly in my head, rejecting the responses that I conjured up first, like: “Maybe you should stick to one person,” [advice, quick solution] and “You should really settle down.” [judgement, advice]. I used what I thought would be appropriate, though I admit I doubted its effectiveness. I also made sure to keep eye contact.) You seem conflicted, it seems like you just want to find a way to be content. (Feelings: Level 3A)

Jane:            Yeah, I just want to be happy! (laughs). I know most people would think I’m being too promiscuous, but, I mean, I‘m single and I’m young. I don’t see a problem. Plenty of guys pursue multiple girls, I think women should have that equal right without being discriminated against!

Me:            (I thought I could deduce something about her values at this point) You just want to live your life without being judged? (I thought I was using Values Level 3A, but I actually might have been using Level 1A, I’m still not sure)

Jane:             I don’t know. What do you think I should do? I’ve told you all about these guys, do you have any advice?

Me:            (This surprised me, I wasn’t expecting this as it had never happened before. What had I done?) Uhh…

Jane:            (laughs) Sorry to bother you with my problems, I’ll figure it out. Let’s get started on these readings…

At the end there, I could have probably said something like “I’m sure you already have a solution, I think you already know what you need to do.” A response like that would simoutaneously reaffirm my faith in her and allow her to solve the issue herself to restore her own personal faith. However, I’m not sure what level that would be. To be honest, I’m still a little confused with all of these new methods and scales and whatnot. I have realized that many times all someone needs is another person to listen. That’s why, when I feigned listening and did nothing, Jane benefitted from that. Sometimes we humans just have to unload some emotional baggage and maybe have someone remind us that we’re not crazy for holding on to it. Advice is overrated, actually listening is what’s really needed.